FMA Does celebrity Jeopardy
by Metroids ate my Brain
Summary: It's Ed versue everybody elses' stupidity in this parody of SNL's celebrity Jeopardy skit.
1. Chapter 1

-Jeopardy theme music is playing-

Ed: "…And, welcome back to FMA Jeopardy. Because of what happened just before the commercial break, I would like to apologise to all blind people and children. With that said, let's take a look at the scores. Maes Hughes has set a Jeopardy record by buzzing in over 2000 times, and never answering a question. He just talkes about his daughter."

Hughes:-buzzes in- "Oh, isn't she the cutest thing ever?"

Ed: "No, Hughes, she isn't. Moving on, Winry Rockbell has no score at all, because she mostly has been talking about automail."

Winry:"Ed, do you need a check-up? Come here, let me take a look at your arm."

Ed: "No. And lastly, Envy. Let's move on to…"

Envy: "Not so fast, Elric."

Ed: "Damn, I was hoping that would work."

Envy: "Well you were wrong, you montebank. You see, I pose a conundrum to you, a riddle, if you will."

Ed: "I don't want to hear it."

Envy: "What's the difference between you, and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck, and… Well, I don't remember the punchline, but your mother's a whore."

Ed: "Wonderful. Let's take a look at the categories."-Turns to the board-"The categories are-potent potables, point to your own head, letters or numbers, will this hurt if you put it in your mouth, an album cover, make any noise, and, famous muppet frogs."

Hughes: "Oh, isn't Elicia the cutest thing you've ever seen? She's so amazing, so incredible, she's my daughter!"

Envy-To Hughes-"Boy, you might be legally retarded."

Ed:" He has a point. Alright, Winry, you have the board."

Winry: "I'll take giraffes for a billion."

Ed: "That's not one of the categories, so we'll go with "letters or numbers" for 200. And the answer is-5. Is it a letter, or a number?"

Hughes:-buzzes in-"My Elicia is 5."

Ed: "No, Hughes, she's 3. I can't believe you forget your daughter's age, seeing as you ramble on about her constantly. Anyone else?"-The timer beeps-"5, is of course, a number. Winry, sadly it's still your board."

Winry: "I'll take TV shows about automail for 300."

Ed: "For the last time, that's not a category. Envy, how about you pick?"

Envy: "Well, looks like the ball's in my court now. I'll take anal bum cover for 7000."-He laughs.

Ed: "The category is "an album cover", not "anal bum cover", you jackass."

Envy: "I can read, Elric. That says "anal bum cover". I spent five years of my life trying to invent an anal bum cover, and my failure to do so is my greatest regret."

Ed: "You sir, have led a horrifying life. The category is "an album cover", and the answer is-The Beatles' white album was this colour."

Winry-buzzes in-"Who are the Beatles?"

Ed: "I'm sorry, that's not the answer."

Winry:" No, who are the Beatles? I've never heard of them."

Hughes:" Oh, Elicia doesn't like the Beatles. She says they make no sense."

Ed: "Mr. Hughes, I hate you. Now, for the love of God, shut your mouth. Alright. I'm getting tired of this. Let's just go to final jeopardy. The category is… you know what, I'll just let you guys decide. The category is-anything. Ask yourselves anything, and I'll give you credit. There's no way you can get this wrong. You'd have to be the dumbest people ever to mess this up."-timer beeps-"And let's see how you manage to mess this up. Hughes wrote nothing. He wrote absolutly nothing. Don't ever come here again. Winry asked herself "What sound does a doggy make?". And she answered… she didn't know the answer. That's it."-To Winry-"You didn't know the answer to your own question? That's it, I'm never letting you fix me again. I think we might even have to get a divorce."

Winry: "Oh, Ed, I hate you!"

Ed: "Moving on. Lastly, Envy asked himself… Did you ask whether I have sex with horses?"

Envy: "Yes. Yes I did."

Ed: "I'm going to kill you, you son of a bitch."

Envy: "You're dad's my dad too, remember? That means you're a son of a bitch, too."

Ed:" Maybe so, but I'm not an asshole like you are.That's it, I quit. Goodnight everybody."


	2. Chapter 2

-Jeopardy theme music is playing-

Ed: "...And, welcome back to FMA Jeopardy. I thouight we were done with this, but my bastard father decided to to FMA Millionare, and, network competition being what it is, I stand before you, a broken and miserable man. Let's take a look at the scores. Envy has set a new Jeopardy record for futility, with…"

Envy: "Suck on it, Elric. Suck it long, and suck it hard."

Ed: "That's beautiful. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

Envy: "No, but I did do something to your mother with this mouth."

Ed: "Wonderful:" Greed has an impressive -2000 dollars."

Greed: "I want money from this."

Ed: "For the last time, this goes to charity. And finally, Barry the Chopper, in a commanding lead of 0 dollars."

Barry: "Wait, did I win? Time to cut the losers up!"

Ed:" No, you didn't win. And I hope to God you never do. Let's take a look at the board. The categories are-Potent potables, foreign flicks, things Elric sucks-wait…"

Envy: "Oh, god, he fell for it. Ha!"

Ed: "Very funny. Moving on. Potpurri, hot or cold, what ears do, is this a hat, and finally, colors that end in "urple". Barry, you're in the lead, so I'll let you take first pick."

Barry: "I'll cut you up, you know."

Ed: "Let's just go with foreign flicks for 800."

Envy:-buzzes in-"That Xingese girl, uh, Ranfan."

Ed: "The category was foreign flicks, not foreign chicks. Greed, why don't you pick."

Greed: "I'll take all the money you've got."

Ed: "That's not a category."

Greed: "No, I mean it. Give me all your fucking money!"

Ed: "Let's just go with "colors that end in "urple" for 800. This color ends in "urple"."

Barry:-buzzes in-"What is light urple?"

Ed: "Wow."

Greed:-buzzes in-" Elric, if I don't get some money for this, your ass in mine."

Ed: "That's not correct either."

Greed: "I don't care. I'm just letting you know."

Envy:-buzzes in-" I thought of some more foreign ladies I banged. How about that Rose chick?"

Ed: "Let's just go to "hot or cold" for 400. The question is, is hot tea hot or cold? Does anybody know? Is the hot tea hot or cold?"

Greed: "Is it iced tea?"

Ed: "No. It's hot tea"

Greed: "Then I don't know."

-timer beeps-

Ed: "The answer was hot. The hot tea was hot. Let's just go to final jeopardy. The category is..,. Oh, come on, why would they do this? The category is "famous mothers"."

Envy: "Hah, ha, ha! My day has come!"

Ed: "I'm not giving you any satisfaction. The new category is, once again, "anything". Write down anything. Just do it. Once again, you'd have to be the dumbest people on the planet to screw this up."-timer beeps-"Alright, let's get this done. Envy, you wrote 'below". Well, that is correct. Let's see what you wagered. You wagered "me". "below me"

Envy: "Hah ha ha. You fell for that too."

Ed: "Get a life, you childish asshole. Moving on, Greed, you don't seem to have written anything. I'm not surprises, though. And finally, Barry, did you write anything?"

Barry: "No, I did not."

Ed: "Wonderful. That's all for tonight. Now go home. I need to have a drink or 10.


	3. Chapter 3

-Jeopardy theme music is playing-

Ed: "…And welcome back to FMA Jeopardy. Once again, I'm going to ask our viewers to watch something else. That being said, let's take a look at the scores. Envy is in 1st place with 0 dollars…"

Envy: "You'll rue the day you crossed me, Elric."

Ed: "Wonderful. Moving on, Jean Havoc has…"

Havoc: "It's great to be here, Ed, wonderful. I love what you do here, my dad loves it, and my aunt watches you every night at 10:00."

Ed: "Great. And finally, Roy Mustang has an incredible -1200 dollars, having answered a number of first round questions incorrectly more than once."

Roy: "I'm feeling great here, Ed. It's good to be here. And I must say, it's quite an honor to be working with you and Envy."

Ed: "Okay. Better luck to all of you in the next round. And it's time for double jeopardy, so let's' take a look at the board"-Turns to board-"The categories are-potent potables, the vowels, presidents who are on the one dollar bill, famous titles, ponies, the number 10, and foods that end in "amburger". Roy, you are in 3rd place, so the board is yours."

Roy: "I uh, heh heh heh heh…"

Ed: "Havoc, why don't you pick instead."

Havoc: "I don't feel like it at the moment."

Ed: "Okay then, Envy, why don't you pick?"

Envy: "The day is mine! I'll take famous titties for 400."

Ed: "Envy, that's famous titles, not titties."

Envy:" Oh, not a fan of the ladies, are you?"

Ed: "The question is-The movie title was taken from the name of the book, Gone with the Wind."

Envy:-buzzes in-"Dolly Parton."

Ed: "Titles Envy. Not titties. Will someone else please answer?"

Havoc:-buzzes in-"I don't know."

Ed: "Wonderful. Anyone else?"-Timer beeps-"And we're out of time for this one. Envy, the board is yours, so I'll pick for you. Let's try "the number 10" for 200. The question is-How many fingers do you have on your hand?"

Envy:-buzzes in-"One. The one I'm putting up right now."-Envy flips Ed off.

Ed:" That's just great."

Roy:-buzzes in-"Five?"

Ed: "No."-timer beeps-"The correct answer was 10. My God, how could you people get any stupider? Roy, the board is yours."

Roy: "Help me Ed. Help me decide."-Envy whispers something in Roy's ear-"I'll take famous titties for 800."

Envy: "Well done, lad.

Ed: "Oh, God. Okay, this was a popular TV show's theme"-Plays the "batman" theme song-"What show was that the theme for?"

Roy:-buzzes in-"What is "MASH?"

Ed: "No."

Envy:-buzzes in-"What is the result of your mother and I making sweet love?"

Ed: "Go die in a hole, Envy, please."-Timer beeps-"The answer was "Batman". And, at last, it's time for final jeopardy. All you have to do is answer the question-"Where are you right now?" Just write down where you are."-Timer beeps-"Alright, let's get this over with. Roy, you didn't write anything, did you?"

Roy: "Nope."

Ed: "You seem rather proud of yourself. Jean, you seem to have scribbled all over your answer, not that it matters. And Envy, you… Good lord, you wrote "indoors"! That's phenomenal! Are we filming this?! And you wagered-"I heart boobs". That's it for FMA Jeopardy, I'm going home and putting a gun in my mouth.


	4. Chapter 4

-Jeopardy theme music is playing-

Ed: "…And welcome back to FMA jeopardy. Before we begin the double jeopardy round, I would like to ask our contestants to please refrain from insulting other ethinicities. Now, let's' take a look at the scores. Envy has set a new jeopardy record with an impressive -20,000 dollars."

Envy Oh, you think you're so great, don't you, Elric? You're smaller than a japanese guy's dick!"

Ed: "What did I just say about insulting ethnicities? Moving on, my brother, Alphonse, has -17,000 dollars.

Al: "Hi, nii-san!"

Ed: "Yes, hello.And finally, back again is Roy Mustang, with 14 dollars. Roy has apparently changed his name to Terd Ferguson. "

Roy: "What, it's a funny name."

Ed: "Yes. Now, without further adieu, let's take a look at the board."-Turns to board-"The categories are-potent potables, sharp things, movies that start with the word "Jaws", a petit dejeuner- that ones about French phrases, so we'll skip that…"

Roy: "I know a little french-You're an assface, pardon my french."

Ed: " Who cares, mr. Mustang."

Roy: "Eh-herm."

Ed: "My mistake, Mr. Ferguson. Moving on-animal sounds, condements, and finally, your ass or a hole in the ground. Envy, unfortunatly, the board is yours."

Envy:" I'll take condoms for 800."

Ed: "That's "condiments". Okay-What condiment is made from mustard seeds?"

Al:-buzzes in-" Is it relish?"

Ed: "No."

Roy:-buzzes in-" Is it ketchup?"

Ed: "No."-timer beeps-"And the correct answer was mustard. Mustard is made from mustard seeds. I hate my job. Envy, it's still your board."

Envy: "Give me that ape tit thing for 200."

Ed: "It's not "ape tit", and I'm not even using that as a category. So we'll go for "animal sounds" for 200 instead. The question-This is the sound a doggy makes. Many of our long-time viewers may remember this as the question my wife Winry asked herself. She couldn't answer it. Let's hope you do better"

Envy:-buzzes in-"Moo."

Ed: That's incorrect, Envy."

Envy:" Well that's the sound your mother made last night."-he laughs.

Ed: "That's not funny."

Roy:-buzzes in-  
who is Scooby Doo?"

Ed: That's not right, either."

Roy:" Funny dog, Scooby Doo."

Ed: "My God, you people are idiots. We would have accepted "bow wow", "woof", or "ruff"!

Envy:" Ah, rough. Just the way little Winry likes it."

Ed:" That's way out of line, you snake. I'll kill you after this show is done. You know what, let's just go to final jeopardy. The category is…Oh hell. The category is "write any number". Just write down a number. Maybe a 1, or a 2, maybe even a 3 or 4 thrown in there, I don't know."-Timer beeps-"And let's get this hell over with. Alphonse, you wrote a "3" and a "5". And you wagered…Texas. I'm speechless. Mr. Mustang…"

Roy: "Don't bother, I didn't write anything."

Ed: "It thought as much. And finally, Envy wrote "V". Well, Envy, V is a roman numeral, so despite your best effort you get credit for that. And you wagered… "Suck it, Elric." Just beautiful. That's all the time we have, folks, goodnight.


	5. Chapter 5

-Jeopardy theme music is playing-

Ed: "…And, welcome back to FMA Jeopardy. You may notice I'm wearing a different sut, that's because Envy thought my leg was closer than the toilet. It's time for double jeopardy, let's take a l;ook at the sores. Scar is in the lead, with -5000 dollars."

Scar:" A negative sum of money is a sin to Ishballa."

Ed: "Yes, thank you for that look into your religion. Next, with -43000 dollars is Sheska."

Sheska:" I'm telling you, there are aliens out there! I'm not crazy!"

Ed: "I'm sure you're not. And, back again with -100000 dollars, is Envy."

Envy:" I wouldn't miss it for the world, Elric. I turned down meeting Harry fucking Potter for this.."

Ed: "Terrific. Let's take a look at the board."-Turns to board-"And the categories are-potent potables, Batman or Robin, famous horsemen, point to your nose, things mom gave you…"

Envy: Oh, you mean like how your mom gave me head last night?"

Ed: "No, not like that. Moving on-celebrity photos, and finally, connect the dot. Sheska, it's your board."

Sheska: "I'll take "Batman or Robin" for 400, Ed."

Ed: "Alright."-Shows them a picture of batman-"Is this Batman, or Robin?"

Scar:-buzzes in-"Ishballa says that is Robin."

Ed: That is incorrect. And being that it's not Robin, that leaves only one other chice."-timer beeps-" It was Batman. You know what, I have a headache, so we'll cut this short and move on to final jeopardy. And the categpry is "Would you like a cookie"? Just answer yes or no to this. It's so easy. All you have to do is say whether or not you want a cookie."-Timer beeps-"And let's see how you did. Scar, you wrote "Cookies are a sin against Ishballa". My God, is everything a sin to Ishballa?"

Scar: "Almost everything."

Ed: " Fabulous. Sheska, you…why did you write a recipie for Mrs. Field's cookies?"

Sheska: "I don't know, it just came to me."

Ed: "Well, you at least wrote about cookies, so I'll give you credit for this one. And Envy…"

Envy:" She's nuttier than a pecan log."

Ed: "I guess so, let's see what you wrote. "I'm' sorry Edward."… I'm speechless. You, being nice to me?"

Envy: "Yes. Look, I know I say a lot of mean things to you on this show, but it's all in good fun, you know."

Ed: "Well, I guess."

Envy:" So, how about we start a new leaf, eh?"

Ed: "Sure thing, friend. Well, let's see what you wagered for that apology. "Elric's a fruit."… "I'm sorry Edward Elric's a fruit". I should have known you were up to something. You're never nice to me."

Envy:" Oh, but you didn't. And that's what makes this victory ever so sweet."

Ed: "Well, that's it, goobye. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my trailer, trying to rebuild my crushed integrity."


	6. Chapter 6

-Jeopardy theme music is playing-

Ed: "…And welcome back to FMA Jeopardy. We've got quite a contest here, let's take a look at the scores. Envy is in 2nd place, with -6500 dollars."

Envy: "Only on account of villainy."

Ed: "Great. My mother is in 1st place, with a commanding score of 0."

Trisha: -buzzes in-"What is history?"

Ed: "We haven't started playing, mother. And finally, joining us all the way from Xing, prince Ling Yao, with no score at all. He has been sleeping the whole time. Better luck to all of you in the next round. It' stime for double jeopardy, let's take a look at the board."-Turns to board-" The categories are-potent potables, lterature, therapists, current Amestrian presidents, show and tell, household objects, and finally, one-letter words. Envy, unfortunatly, the board is yours."

Envy: "It looks like my lucky day. I'll take the rapists for 200."

Ed: "That's "therapists". Let's skip that one, and try "household objects" for 200. And the question is-You usually drink water out of this."

Envy:-buzzes in-"A leather glove."

Ed: "No."

Trisha:-buzzes in-" A toilet."

Ed: "That's desgusting."-Timer beeps-"And you're both idionts. The anwer is-a glass. Technically, it's still Envy's board, unfortunatly."

Envy: "I'll play your game, you rogue. Let's try the rapists for 2000."

Ed: "How about "show and tell" for 600. This is where I show you an object, and you tell me what it is."

Envy:-buzzes in-"A short little know-it-all."

Ed: "I haven't even shown you the object."-He holds up a hammer-"What is this?"

Trisha:-buzzes in-"It's a popsicle."

Ed: "That's incorect."

Envy:-buzzes in-"It's our mother."

Ed: "That's also incorrect. You see, my mother is right next to you, and she looks nothing like this object."-timer beeps-"It was a hammer."

Envy: "Now, listen to me, Elric. You back off. You wouoldn't have know that if it weren't for that card in front of you. This guy reads from a card! Let's move on to "curent Amestrian presidents" for 400. Here it it-He is the current Amestrian president. He has black hair, and you've probably seen him in the news. His first name is "King". Envy, I knw for a fact you know this"

Envy:-buzzes in-"George Washington."

Ed: "No. Envy, how do you not know this? He's your younger brother."

Envy: "Oh."-Timer beeps

Ed: "The answer was "King Bradley". We also would have accepted "Wrath". The show has just reached a new low."

Envy:" Then I'm the cock of the walk."

Ed: "Let's just move on to final jeopardy. And the category is-Letters of the alphabet. All you have to do is write a letter of the alphabet, and you get points."-Timer beeps-" And let's get this over with. Envy, you wrote… Suck on it, Elric. That's just great.

Envy: "Suck it, Elric. Suck it long, and suck it hard."

Ed: "Yes, I know the routine by now. Mom, let's see what you wrote…You drew an eye."

Trisha: "You know, like the letter."

Ed: "Beautiful. Now I know why dad left you. And, as Ling is stil sleeping, I just skip over him. Well, as usual, three perfectly good charities have been deprived of money. I'm Edward Elric, and the three of you should be ashamed of yourselves. Goodnight."


	7. Chapter 7

-Jeopardy theme music is playing-

Ed: "…And welcome back to FMA Jeopardy. I think I've just entered hell, as today we have an all-homunculus episode. In last place with -380521000 dollars, is Gluttony."

Gluttony: "Food, food!"

Ed: "Great. In 1st place, with 82000 dollars, is Lust. And in 2nd place, with -100863 dollars, is Envy."

Envy: "It's' been quite some time since our last meeting, hasn't it Elric?"

Ed: "Not long enough."

Envy: "That's not what your mother said last night."

Ed: "Right. Here are the categories for today. They are-potent potables, coolours that are red, Japan-US relations, how many fingers am I holding up…"

Envy: "As before, just the one."-He flips Ed off.

Ed: "Fabulous. Moving on-Black comedians named "Whoopi", the letter that comes after "B", and finally, automatic points. If you pick this category, you automatically get points.

Envy: "Hey, Lust, after the show, do you want to go backstage and, you know…Do what you're named for?"

Lust: "What?"

Envy: "I mean have sex."

Lust: "No way, you greasy little pervert. I wouldn't touch you in bed if you were the last person on earth."

Ed: "Way to go, Lust. As a reward for earning my favour, you may have first pick. May I suggest "automatic points"."

Lust: "No, after that I feel like a chalenge. I'll take "How many fingers am I holding up" for 400."

Ed: "Okay."-He holds up three fingers-" How many fingers an I holding up?"

Lust:-buzzes in-"Three."

Ed: "Wow, I think we might have actually gotten a smart person on the show. Lust, the board is still yours."

Lust: "I'll take "The letter after "B"" for 400."

Ed: "Alright. The word "cat" is found under this letter in the dictionary."

Envy:-buzzes in-"I believe you'ld find that in the "R" section."

Ed: "No, you wouldn't find it in the "r"s."

Envy: "Not in the arse-That's not what your mother said last night."

Ed: "I walked right in to that one, didn't I?"

Envy:" Yes you did."

-Timer beeps-

Ed: "The correct answer, not that anyone cares anymore, was "C". Gluttony, would you like to pick a category?"

Gluttony: "Food, food!"

Ed: "I should have known. Alright, Envy, would you pick for him?"

Envy: "Certainly. I'll take jap anus relations for 200."

Ed: "that's "Japan US relations" and you know it. You're just awful. Let's just go to final jeopardy. The category is-First grade math. Just write any math problem a first grader would be able to answer."-timer beeps-"And let's see what kind of mess you've made of this one, shall we? Gluttony… ate his paper. Fantastic. Lust wrote…my God, that's the most complex math problem I've ever seen! You are a genius! You don't belong here, you belong with my fater on FMA Millionare. And Envy, let's the damage…0+0-0+0. Well, you did use math a 1st grader would know, so technically you got it right. And you wagered…poop. Okay, that's it. I quit.For real this time. Goodnight.


	8. Chapter 8

-Jeopardy theme music is playing-

Ed: "…And welcome back to FMA Jeopardy, guest addition. Today, I feel like celebrating, because there's no way Envy can be here today, because we're bringing in anime charcters from other shows. First we have Naruto Uzumaki, from Naruto. "

Naruto: "I'm gonna' become hokage-Believe it!"

Ed: "Will someone please shoot him. Next we have the angel Sachiel, from Neon Genesis Evangelion. Don't know how we got him in here-he's freaking huge. And finally…Envy?"

Envy: "We meet again you log-headed idiot."

Ed: "How the hell did you manage to get on here?"

Envy: "I did a cameo on Gundam Seed just so I'd be eligible for today's show."

Ed: "Wonderful. Just wonderful. Let's get this over with. Here are the categories-Potent potables, countries between Mexico and Canada, members of Simon and Garfunkel, I have a chardonnay-That's where you get the points and I get a glass of wine. -Things you do with a pencil sharpener, tie your shoe, and finally, toast. Envy, you select first."

Envy: "You know, that's a nice jacket you're wearing, Elric, does it come in tall people sizes?"

Ed: "Let's just go with "toast" for 600. And the question is-This is what toast is made from."

Naruto:-buzzes in-"Believe it!"

Ed: "I'm sorry. That's incorrect."-Timer beeps-"Wow, you're all stupider than I thought. The answer of course, was bread. Let's go to "Members of Simon and Garfunkel" for 200. –Of Simon and Garfunkel, tho one that is not garfunkel."

Envy:-buzzes in-"I garfunkeled your mother last night."

Ed: "Your stupidity never ceases to amaze me."

Naruto:-buzzes in-"Believe it!"

Ed: "I'll "believe it" when you die in a hole."-Timer beeps-"The answer was Simon. Envy, unfortunatly, it's still your board."

Envy: "I'l take I have a hard-on for 600."

Ed loks at the board. Envy has taken a sharpie to it, changing "chardonnay" to hard on.

Ed: "Where the hell did you get that sharpie? My guards are told to not let you in with anything."

Envy: "I'm sure if you looked, you'd find it. You see I hid it in my ass."-Envy starts laughing uncontrollably at this point.

Ed: "We get it, Envy. We get it loud and clear. Let's just go to final jeopardy… Wait, I'm getting news from the network. It says I've.. I've been cancelled. Good lord, I thought this day would never come! Oh, thank you God! This is Edward Elric saying "goobye and good riddance!"


End file.
